oh dear

Reading over this so far and it's just like one big bitch fest on my part. I know things need to change and I've tried so hard to change my behaviour. Like not responding when he speaks to me disrepectfully. Asking him to come and spend time with me and the kids. I get up every morning to our kids, get them ready for the day, make his flask of coffee and his lunch for the day. I do all the washing, dishes, vacume, mop, bathrooms, well you get the point all the housework. The only thing he ever does is tidy up his sunroom and vacume in there. I don't even go in there anymore unless he's in there. That way he can't blame me when he looses something in there. Although come to think of it he still does.

So I've decided that I'm going to try something. Forthe next 2 weeks I'm going to be the perfect mrs. Even though I already think I am. I'm a domestic godess basically.

For the next 2 weeks I won't answer back if he starts picking at me. I'll just nicely reply instead of saying what I really want to. I won't ask him to spend time with me or the kids. I won't ask him to come to bed early with me. I won't annitiate sex in any way shape or form. But if he does I'll pretend I'm asleep. I don't want to have sex with him until this experiment is over. As it is we only have sex when he wants to not when I want to. I have a very high sex drive his is low, and he has a million bullshit reasons why. But the fact of the matter is that it was higher when I was skinnier.
I am also working hard on loosing weight. I'm watching what I eat, smaller portioins, no fatty foods, only drinking once a week if that. And I love my cross-trainer. I do 20-30 mins a day. Always feel so fantastic once I've done it too.

I'm not doing this to test him. I'm doing this to help me decide if I want to stay with him or not. At the moment I honestly don't know why we are together. I mean it's not a relationship that makes either of us happy at the moment. The only time he's happy is when he's in his sunroom with his mates, his pot or his PS3. He barely spend 10 mins a day with the kids and me. He occassionaly comes in to eat dinner with us. Doesn't bath, change, feed or dress Mr 1, and most days doesn't even say good night to him. Yet he's always home at bed time.

I feel so disconnected from him, both emotionally and physically. I don't feel loved, cherished, respected, wanted or cared for. It's like having a boarder that sleeps in my bed.

So here's hoping the next 2 weeks bring some positive changes. If not then I'll be having the "I think we should break up" conversation with him. Which I know he won't like. But I honestly don't know how he can think that things are ok between us. I feel like he hates me unless he wants something . And I feel that he's only still with me because he likes the lifestyle he has here. He gets to do what he wants when he wants, has me and his kids there at his convenience. Knows his kids are well looked after by their awesome mum. But I need more than that. Although in saying that, if we break up I won't be looking for anyone else anytime soon. I'll be quite happy to just be on my own for a long time actually. I'll be able to focus on me and my boys and not have to live on eggshells and have to worry about making someone else happy all the time.