a long long while actually. For so long I just couldn't remember my password for this blog lol stupid I know. And then I was so busy and depressed all at once I couldnt' even face blogging about it. All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and be invisible for a while.
But I'm back, well I'm back here atleast. I never left my life as a mum or mrs of course. Just keep putting on my happy face and playing pretend as I do oh so well. Even my besty doens't know how bummed I am most of the time. I tell you people I play a mean game of pretend.
Not sure where to start with the rest of what's going on at the moment. I'll come back and post more later on tonight or tomorrow as I don't want to burn dinner lol.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
You call me childish and yet you're the one behaving like a child...
I remind you that you need to finsish your daughters room by making her bed before we leave to go and pick her up and you go nuts at me. Throw your food at me that hits me. Then throw the plate at me which misses. I told you I wasn't going to do it as you've had a month to do it and it's your responsibility. You yell in my face spitting all over me telling me I should be a step-mum and do it. I tell you I'm more of a parent to her than you are. I feed her, bath her and entertain her the whole time she's here cause you're always too "busy" in the sunroom. You're a fucking joke and you know it. You are failing all your children as a dad. As they grow up they will make up their own minds about you. I'm still not going to do it. Like your step mum told me I shouldn't be doing anything for her. And I know I shouldn't you don't do anything to help me with the kids, not unless it suits you. I shouldn't even have to ask you should just do stuff. But you just expect me to do it all for your daughter. Well no more. I fucking sick of it.
We made plans and you go and change them at the last minute, trying to make it my decison to stay home after I've already got myself and the kids ready for the 4 hour road trip. Baked and packed lunches and put Mr1 down for an early nap so that he could have some up time before he had to sit in the car for 4 hours. I explained this all to you, as normally it's no fun for Mr 1 as he's just got up and then has to go in the car for 4 hours, so I remedied the problem. Then you come along as we are supposed to be leaving and ask me if I really wana go or if I'd rather stay here with the kids so they don't get tired and grumpy. I tell you that I want to go with you, you argue with me and I tell you that I'm not going to be happy about it, but can't force you to take us. Then you say you need more gas money just incase. Even though I've had to tighten our budget for the next 3 weeks so that we can pay your rego. Your rego that you were supposed to pay with sale money but then smoked all your fucking profit instead. You're so fucking selfish.
Only weeks ago you told me I deserve better than you, I'm starting to think you're right. You have made no effort to make the changes you promised, you aren't showing me how much you love me. But more how much NEED me. I don't want to be needed I want to be loved and wanted. I don't need you, I want you. But now I don't want you as much as I used to, especially when you treat me like this.
We made plans and you go and change them at the last minute, trying to make it my decison to stay home after I've already got myself and the kids ready for the 4 hour road trip. Baked and packed lunches and put Mr1 down for an early nap so that he could have some up time before he had to sit in the car for 4 hours. I explained this all to you, as normally it's no fun for Mr 1 as he's just got up and then has to go in the car for 4 hours, so I remedied the problem. Then you come along as we are supposed to be leaving and ask me if I really wana go or if I'd rather stay here with the kids so they don't get tired and grumpy. I tell you that I want to go with you, you argue with me and I tell you that I'm not going to be happy about it, but can't force you to take us. Then you say you need more gas money just incase. Even though I've had to tighten our budget for the next 3 weeks so that we can pay your rego. Your rego that you were supposed to pay with sale money but then smoked all your fucking profit instead. You're so fucking selfish.
Only weeks ago you told me I deserve better than you, I'm starting to think you're right. You have made no effort to make the changes you promised, you aren't showing me how much you love me. But more how much NEED me. I don't want to be needed I want to be loved and wanted. I don't need you, I want you. But now I don't want you as much as I used to, especially when you treat me like this.
Who the fuck says something like that?
It all started with you waking up and telling me that you weren't in a good mood cause you had a bad dream. So of course I ask you what your dream was about and you tell me it was about me cheating on you with your mate and kicking you out so he could move in. I told you that was just silly cause I'd never do that to you and that it's just your guilty concious because of you doing it to me you expect me to be so childish as to do it back. Never mind that it's been 2 years since you did that. Don't you think if I wanted revenge I would have done it by now. And more to the point if I wanted to sleep with someone else I'd just leave you for fuck sake. I'm not into playing game and cheating and fucking around and hurting each other. Why can't you understand that? you think I'm an immature lil skank like your x and I'm nothing like her. I'm independeant and a good mother for a start.
So you nut out at and me and the most revolting thing comes out of your mouth as you yell at me "I wish you would fucking cheat on me so I could smash you" I couldn't believe you would say something like that. Well actually I can, but really, who the fuck says something like that to the person they supposedly love and want to be with. You're fucking twisted and fucked in the head for saying that.
So you nut out at and me and the most revolting thing comes out of your mouth as you yell at me "I wish you would fucking cheat on me so I could smash you" I couldn't believe you would say something like that. Well actually I can, but really, who the fuck says something like that to the person they supposedly love and want to be with. You're fucking twisted and fucked in the head for saying that.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
so so so so mean
you tell me to buy myself a drink since I havn't had one for a week and you tell me to take our son with me to my mates so he can play with his cuzzy while I have a few drinks. But then you come and pick me up with your mate in tow (your mate who you think I'm having an affair with { that's what you told your stepmum} funny how you think that but keep inviting him to stay at our house and use our shower and shit) and from the moment I get in the car you start picking at me. Actually to be technical you started at me before I got in the car. Mocking me for the sound my alcohol bottles made as I carried them, our son and his bag and mine to the car. You couldn't come and help as you're not allowed at my bestys house because of the way you behaved infront of her children. I wish I could be as strong as her.
Once we got home you just kept going. I stopped answering back as I had more important things to do and knew what you were up to trying to pick at me after I'd had a few drinks. I made my boys dinner and showered Mr 8 then got Mr 1 ready for bed. Also tidied up the house and was going to do our dinner once I was finished. But you just couldn't help yourself, you kept picking and picking at me. I was washign the tray to make your dinner and you wouldn't stop so I walked out of the kitchen telling you that I'd make your dinner if youd get out of the kitchen and leave me alone. You couldn't even do that.
Instead you kept picking at me and racking me up so I kept walking away as much as I could, but I admit I threw a few insults back at you. Hard not to after almost 3 hours of you picking at me.
In the end you cooked your own dinner and even made your mate a burger too. Telling me how useless I was and that youd leave me and take all your food and you son as I wouldn't have anything to feed him anyway so legally youd be allowed to take him. You also said that youd never cook for me. Called my besty a skank and said I had to choose between you and her cause everytime I go there and see that skank I come home being a bitch to you. I won't give her up for you. Unlike you she treats me how I deserve to be treated and loves me to death. With the way things are I would never choose you over her. She has never wronged me or treated me cruelly like you do on a daily basis. How can you be so dillusionsal as to think I'd choose you over her. Maybe you're just looking for an easy way out. If so grow some balls and leave.
oh that's right the only way you can leave is if you have someone to leave me for. That's the only way you ever left me. You are nothing more than a gutless, selfish, manipulative, narsacist. You were right when you said I deserve so much better than you. But you were wrong when you said I'm a bad mother, a skank, whore, slut, lazy, alcoholic, worthless, useless and ugly. I am fat but I am none of the other revolting things you call me. I deserve better than you and 1 day you will see what better than you looks like. mmmmmmmmmm.................maybe..........more than likely if and when I am strong enough to leave you for good I'll be single for ever. I'm too scared I'll make the same mistake again and trust someone else that will just break me down all over again after I've built myself up and repaired all the damage you have done.
Once we got home you just kept going. I stopped answering back as I had more important things to do and knew what you were up to trying to pick at me after I'd had a few drinks. I made my boys dinner and showered Mr 8 then got Mr 1 ready for bed. Also tidied up the house and was going to do our dinner once I was finished. But you just couldn't help yourself, you kept picking and picking at me. I was washign the tray to make your dinner and you wouldn't stop so I walked out of the kitchen telling you that I'd make your dinner if youd get out of the kitchen and leave me alone. You couldn't even do that.
Instead you kept picking at me and racking me up so I kept walking away as much as I could, but I admit I threw a few insults back at you. Hard not to after almost 3 hours of you picking at me.
In the end you cooked your own dinner and even made your mate a burger too. Telling me how useless I was and that youd leave me and take all your food and you son as I wouldn't have anything to feed him anyway so legally youd be allowed to take him. You also said that youd never cook for me. Called my besty a skank and said I had to choose between you and her cause everytime I go there and see that skank I come home being a bitch to you. I won't give her up for you. Unlike you she treats me how I deserve to be treated and loves me to death. With the way things are I would never choose you over her. She has never wronged me or treated me cruelly like you do on a daily basis. How can you be so dillusionsal as to think I'd choose you over her. Maybe you're just looking for an easy way out. If so grow some balls and leave.
oh that's right the only way you can leave is if you have someone to leave me for. That's the only way you ever left me. You are nothing more than a gutless, selfish, manipulative, narsacist. You were right when you said I deserve so much better than you. But you were wrong when you said I'm a bad mother, a skank, whore, slut, lazy, alcoholic, worthless, useless and ugly. I am fat but I am none of the other revolting things you call me. I deserve better than you and 1 day you will see what better than you looks like. mmmmmmmmmm.................maybe..........more than likely if and when I am strong enough to leave you for good I'll be single for ever. I'm too scared I'll make the same mistake again and trust someone else that will just break me down all over again after I've built myself up and repaired all the damage you have done.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Well it's been a while...
as you may have guessed that's due to the fact that things turned completely to shit. Long story short A took the day of course cause his mate was here, but didn't want to take me to run my errands so I took the bus to town with Mr 1 and was walking round doing flier drop for my charity when A started calling me going nuts at me. He was accusing me of being in town with someone else, saying I was whoring around being a slut probably sucking some other guys cock. I hung up on him numerous times as I just couldn't handle what he was yelling at me. I was out trying to do something to give back, and all he could do was shit all over it and me. But he wouldn't stop calling and every time I answered he kept yelling and abusing the hell out of me. So I hung up and stopped answering his calls. By that stage I was at a complete loss as to what to do. I didn't want to go home to him. What for to just have to put up with more of it. But I didn't have anywhere else to go. That's when I thought of my case worker at cyfs from ages ago. ( my eldest boys paternal grandfather told cyfs I smoked pot and p and that's why I ended up with a case worker. Of course I do neither, so it was just a complete joke) But she wasn't there so I had to see some other lady and she brought in the police lady that works in their building for them. I didn't know what to do it was all happening so fast and I couldn't stop crying long enough to say anything really. So when the officer answered my phone and told him to get out of the house before I got home, all I could think was well atleast he won't be there to yell at me when I get home. But I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to be in the house alone and upset. So I went to stay with K my besty of 20 years. As soon as I called her she came running. It was so good to see her as I'd missed her so much. We stayed up till some ungodly hour of the morning, talking and crying and just being. It was just what I needed at that time.
A and I were txting bakc and forth all night as he didn't understand why I had done what I had. So I explained it to him the best I could. But I really don't think he'll ever understand how the way he treats me and speaks to me affects me so deeply. It completely breaks me and I just want to run away from him and never come back. But I can't do that because I love him and because of my boys.
He said he would prove to me how much he loves me and that he would do anything he needed to to get me back. He even said he'd quit weed, sort out his anger and sell his PS3. I told him to sort out his anger and quit weed, but that he'd probably ahve to do it before I'd let him come home.
Stupidly I let myself see him and talk to him the next day as he wanted to see Mr 1. We talked all night and he stayed over. I explained to him that I was scared of letting him come home as I didn't want it to end up like this all over again, and he promised it wouldn't.
That was now 2 weeks ago. He hasn't quit weed and hasn't been to a counselling appointment yet for his anger. He's making more off an effort sexually but that's not something I asked for this time. I have been asking for a better sex life for years. This time I told him exactly what I wanted from him, I was brutally honest with him. Now I'm starting to regret my decision to let him come home without proving himself first. This won't work if he doesn't quit smoking pot. I've cut back heaps on my drinking, now I only drink once or twice a week if that.
He's not even making an effort to cut back on how much he smokes. And to make matters worse he's practically moved his mate in, or onto our property after I said I didn't want that happening and he said it wouldn't. I feel like the only reason he wanted to come back was so that him and his mate would have somewhere to be instead of sleeping in their cars. Although his friend still sleeps in his car, but now it's parked up on our property. And from what I can tell he's going no where fast. He has no job, no benefit and isn't attempting to get either.
So angry today. Angry with A, angry with myself.
A and I were txting bakc and forth all night as he didn't understand why I had done what I had. So I explained it to him the best I could. But I really don't think he'll ever understand how the way he treats me and speaks to me affects me so deeply. It completely breaks me and I just want to run away from him and never come back. But I can't do that because I love him and because of my boys.
He said he would prove to me how much he loves me and that he would do anything he needed to to get me back. He even said he'd quit weed, sort out his anger and sell his PS3. I told him to sort out his anger and quit weed, but that he'd probably ahve to do it before I'd let him come home.
Stupidly I let myself see him and talk to him the next day as he wanted to see Mr 1. We talked all night and he stayed over. I explained to him that I was scared of letting him come home as I didn't want it to end up like this all over again, and he promised it wouldn't.
That was now 2 weeks ago. He hasn't quit weed and hasn't been to a counselling appointment yet for his anger. He's making more off an effort sexually but that's not something I asked for this time. I have been asking for a better sex life for years. This time I told him exactly what I wanted from him, I was brutally honest with him. Now I'm starting to regret my decision to let him come home without proving himself first. This won't work if he doesn't quit smoking pot. I've cut back heaps on my drinking, now I only drink once or twice a week if that.
He's not even making an effort to cut back on how much he smokes. And to make matters worse he's practically moved his mate in, or onto our property after I said I didn't want that happening and he said it wouldn't. I feel like the only reason he wanted to come back was so that him and his mate would have somewhere to be instead of sleeping in their cars. Although his friend still sleeps in his car, but now it's parked up on our property. And from what I can tell he's going no where fast. He has no job, no benefit and isn't attempting to get either.
So angry today. Angry with A, angry with myself.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Typical
he finally comes out of the damn sunroom and it's to go fishing with his mate. To make matters worse he cooked him and his mate lunch before they left. He has never cooked for me, not even spaghetti on toast. How ripped off do I feel. Goes to show where I am on the importance and priority list ay.
And poor Mr 1, his face lights up every time his dad comes into the house but it's only ever for 5-10mins at a time. He get a few mins of attention then he's back out to the sunroom. He really doesn't deserve the title of dad or father. More like sperm donor if you ask me. The title of dad or father have to be earned.
And poor Mr 1, his face lights up every time his dad comes into the house but it's only ever for 5-10mins at a time. He get a few mins of attention then he's back out to the sunroom. He really doesn't deserve the title of dad or father. More like sperm donor if you ask me. The title of dad or father have to be earned.
Day 1
and already I wana quit and run away now.
He started at me as soon as he got out of bed. Asking me if I was lying to him bout talking to Besty. I said I'd messaged her on fb but hat we hadn't talked as her mum had almost died so she'd been a bit busy. He went nuts calling me a lier and accusing me of lying about other things, saying "so what else are you lying to me about then" basically accusing me of cheating on him without actually saying it. Pathetic. I told him I don't talk to him about her because everytime I do he goes nuts at me. He just kept sying "so what else are you lyeing about"
Yesterday was bad enough he ignored me and Dex all day, after chicking a fit at me for I can't even remember what, then chanting in a sing song voive "just shut the fuck up" repeatedly at me wether he was in the house or the sunroom every time I said something. Even when I wasn't talking to him I was talking to Mr 1 or Mr 8. So immature. I've also noticed that he is meaner to me when his friends here. The friend he thinks I'm having an affair with. Funny really, as youd think if he was worried about me having an affair with him he wouldn't have him over all the time and let him stay over all the time.
I can't wait to leave him. It's actually the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. The thought of leaving him. The thought of finally being happy again. Once he's gone I'll put both my boys in one room and get in 2 boarders to help financially. Then next year I'll get a smaller house closer to Mr 8s school so we can walk to and from and save on his bus fare. And then I'll do my childcare from home.
I know it's wrong that I'm still even here.
I am just as much to blame for this as I am here allowing him to talk to me the way he does infront of my sons, throwing things at me, the abusive name calling and personal attacks on my appearance, my mothering and anything else that pops into his head. My boys should never see me hurt the way he hurts me or cry in pain because of him. And I'm going to make sure that never happens again. If he touches me even once in the next 2 weeks that's the final straw I'll call the cops and have him charged and tresspassed and get a protection order. I'm not going to keep being a victim, I'm so much stronger than that. I just need to find that strong women again and piece her back together.
He started at me as soon as he got out of bed. Asking me if I was lying to him bout talking to Besty. I said I'd messaged her on fb but hat we hadn't talked as her mum had almost died so she'd been a bit busy. He went nuts calling me a lier and accusing me of lying about other things, saying "so what else are you lying to me about then" basically accusing me of cheating on him without actually saying it. Pathetic. I told him I don't talk to him about her because everytime I do he goes nuts at me. He just kept sying "so what else are you lyeing about"
Yesterday was bad enough he ignored me and Dex all day, after chicking a fit at me for I can't even remember what, then chanting in a sing song voive "just shut the fuck up" repeatedly at me wether he was in the house or the sunroom every time I said something. Even when I wasn't talking to him I was talking to Mr 1 or Mr 8. So immature. I've also noticed that he is meaner to me when his friends here. The friend he thinks I'm having an affair with. Funny really, as youd think if he was worried about me having an affair with him he wouldn't have him over all the time and let him stay over all the time.
I can't wait to leave him. It's actually the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. The thought of leaving him. The thought of finally being happy again. Once he's gone I'll put both my boys in one room and get in 2 boarders to help financially. Then next year I'll get a smaller house closer to Mr 8s school so we can walk to and from and save on his bus fare. And then I'll do my childcare from home.
I know it's wrong that I'm still even here.
I am just as much to blame for this as I am here allowing him to talk to me the way he does infront of my sons, throwing things at me, the abusive name calling and personal attacks on my appearance, my mothering and anything else that pops into his head. My boys should never see me hurt the way he hurts me or cry in pain because of him. And I'm going to make sure that never happens again. If he touches me even once in the next 2 weeks that's the final straw I'll call the cops and have him charged and tresspassed and get a protection order. I'm not going to keep being a victim, I'm so much stronger than that. I just need to find that strong women again and piece her back together.
oh dear
Reading over this so far and it's just like one big bitch fest on my part. I know things need to change and I've tried so hard to change my behaviour. Like not responding when he speaks to me disrepectfully. Asking him to come and spend time with me and the kids. I get up every morning to our kids, get them ready for the day, make his flask of coffee and his lunch for the day. I do all the washing, dishes, vacume, mop, bathrooms, well you get the point all the housework. The only thing he ever does is tidy up his sunroom and vacume in there. I don't even go in there anymore unless he's in there. That way he can't blame me when he looses something in there. Although come to think of it he still does.
So I've decided that I'm going to try something. Forthe next 2 weeks I'm going to be the perfect mrs. Even though I already think I am. I'm a domestic godess basically.
For the next 2 weeks I won't answer back if he starts picking at me. I'll just nicely reply instead of saying what I really want to. I won't ask him to spend time with me or the kids. I won't ask him to come to bed early with me. I won't annitiate sex in any way shape or form. But if he does I'll pretend I'm asleep. I don't want to have sex with him until this experiment is over. As it is we only have sex when he wants to not when I want to. I have a very high sex drive his is low, and he has a million bullshit reasons why. But the fact of the matter is that it was higher when I was skinnier.
I am also working hard on loosing weight. I'm watching what I eat, smaller portioins, no fatty foods, only drinking once a week if that. And I love my cross-trainer. I do 20-30 mins a day. Always feel so fantastic once I've done it too.
I'm not doing this to test him. I'm doing this to help me decide if I want to stay with him or not. At the moment I honestly don't know why we are together. I mean it's not a relationship that makes either of us happy at the moment. The only time he's happy is when he's in his sunroom with his mates, his pot or his PS3. He barely spend 10 mins a day with the kids and me. He occassionaly comes in to eat dinner with us. Doesn't bath, change, feed or dress Mr 1, and most days doesn't even say good night to him. Yet he's always home at bed time.
I feel so disconnected from him, both emotionally and physically. I don't feel loved, cherished, respected, wanted or cared for. It's like having a boarder that sleeps in my bed.
So here's hoping the next 2 weeks bring some positive changes. If not then I'll be having the "I think we should break up" conversation with him. Which I know he won't like. But I honestly don't know how he can think that things are ok between us. I feel like he hates me unless he wants something . And I feel that he's only still with me because he likes the lifestyle he has here. He gets to do what he wants when he wants, has me and his kids there at his convenience. Knows his kids are well looked after by their awesome mum. But I need more than that. Although in saying that, if we break up I won't be looking for anyone else anytime soon. I'll be quite happy to just be on my own for a long time actually. I'll be able to focus on me and my boys and not have to live on eggshells and have to worry about making someone else happy all the time.
So I've decided that I'm going to try something. Forthe next 2 weeks I'm going to be the perfect mrs. Even though I already think I am. I'm a domestic godess basically.
For the next 2 weeks I won't answer back if he starts picking at me. I'll just nicely reply instead of saying what I really want to. I won't ask him to spend time with me or the kids. I won't ask him to come to bed early with me. I won't annitiate sex in any way shape or form. But if he does I'll pretend I'm asleep. I don't want to have sex with him until this experiment is over. As it is we only have sex when he wants to not when I want to. I have a very high sex drive his is low, and he has a million bullshit reasons why. But the fact of the matter is that it was higher when I was skinnier.
I am also working hard on loosing weight. I'm watching what I eat, smaller portioins, no fatty foods, only drinking once a week if that. And I love my cross-trainer. I do 20-30 mins a day. Always feel so fantastic once I've done it too.
I'm not doing this to test him. I'm doing this to help me decide if I want to stay with him or not. At the moment I honestly don't know why we are together. I mean it's not a relationship that makes either of us happy at the moment. The only time he's happy is when he's in his sunroom with his mates, his pot or his PS3. He barely spend 10 mins a day with the kids and me. He occassionaly comes in to eat dinner with us. Doesn't bath, change, feed or dress Mr 1, and most days doesn't even say good night to him. Yet he's always home at bed time.
I feel so disconnected from him, both emotionally and physically. I don't feel loved, cherished, respected, wanted or cared for. It's like having a boarder that sleeps in my bed.
So here's hoping the next 2 weeks bring some positive changes. If not then I'll be having the "I think we should break up" conversation with him. Which I know he won't like. But I honestly don't know how he can think that things are ok between us. I feel like he hates me unless he wants something . And I feel that he's only still with me because he likes the lifestyle he has here. He gets to do what he wants when he wants, has me and his kids there at his convenience. Knows his kids are well looked after by their awesome mum. But I need more than that. Although in saying that, if we break up I won't be looking for anyone else anytime soon. I'll be quite happy to just be on my own for a long time actually. I'll be able to focus on me and my boys and not have to live on eggshells and have to worry about making someone else happy all the time.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Fathers Day
I let Mr 8 ring his dad as he wanted to wish him a happy fathers day. S asked if Mr 8 could stay with him for the next 2 wkends in a row. I said that was fine as they havn't seen each other for 3 wkends now. I told A this when he woke up and he went absolutely nuts at me. Telling me we couldn't afford that and that it wasn't fair as he had missed out on seeing Miss 2. He chose to spend the gas money on an oz instead of picking her up for the wkend. That was his choice onone elses. And the only reason he needed the money for the oz was because he smoked too much off what he was supposed to be selling. He asked for my opinion and I told him I'd never put anything like that before seeing my child, but it was his choice to make and he made it. I wasn't suprised as the last time she was here for a wkend the only time he spent with her was in the car to and from Ngatea and Tga. I was so angry and dissapointed with him and let him know it. It's only gonna fuck her up in the long run.
Back to subject. He kept going nuts at me so I ignored him just as smum had told to. Don't respond to him if he's speaking to you disrespectfully is what she told me to do. Well that didn't work out. He started pulling down my indoor clothesline that I was trying to hang Mr 1s blankets and clothes on. So I pushed him away from it. He went totally psycho then and pretended to call the cops on me telling them I'd assaulted him. Lol what a joke. Then he jumped on the phone to his dad and smum telling them all about it. He got off the phone and told me he was taking Mr 1 out to the farm for the day. Mr 1 had awful hayfever at the time.
I told him he wasn't taking him due to his hayfever and his attitude. He started yelling saying I was just like his x B lol. The reason I wouldn't let him take him really was due to hayfever and the fact that the only time he wants to spend anytime with Mr 1 is to spite or punish me. As he knows my biggest fear is that he'll take him and not bring him back.
So after he sat on the phone for about half an hour bitching and moaning to his dad about me. How I control all his money and he never gets anything. lmfao how hillarious is that. I always go without so that the boys can have everything they need and some of their wants and A always gets what he wants. Cause if I say no we can't afford it he chucks a tanty to get his own way. So it's just not worth me saying no anymore.
He came back through the house and out to the sunroom, where he spent the rest of the day. He spent Fathers Day alone. Didn't even come in and spend it with his son. Just totally unsettled him then pissed off and ignored him for the day. I'd say I couldn't believe it, but really I could. He's so predictable these days. It's always the same crap that comes out of his mouth when he's yelling at me and always the same outcome. It's like he picks a fight with me to justify him spending all day in the sunroom instead of with me and the kids.
He says things like, "well I don't wana spend time with you cause your a bitch and you always treat me like shit" I treat him the way he treats me.
Back to subject. He kept going nuts at me so I ignored him just as smum had told to. Don't respond to him if he's speaking to you disrespectfully is what she told me to do. Well that didn't work out. He started pulling down my indoor clothesline that I was trying to hang Mr 1s blankets and clothes on. So I pushed him away from it. He went totally psycho then and pretended to call the cops on me telling them I'd assaulted him. Lol what a joke. Then he jumped on the phone to his dad and smum telling them all about it. He got off the phone and told me he was taking Mr 1 out to the farm for the day. Mr 1 had awful hayfever at the time.
I told him he wasn't taking him due to his hayfever and his attitude. He started yelling saying I was just like his x B lol. The reason I wouldn't let him take him really was due to hayfever and the fact that the only time he wants to spend anytime with Mr 1 is to spite or punish me. As he knows my biggest fear is that he'll take him and not bring him back.
So after he sat on the phone for about half an hour bitching and moaning to his dad about me. How I control all his money and he never gets anything. lmfao how hillarious is that. I always go without so that the boys can have everything they need and some of their wants and A always gets what he wants. Cause if I say no we can't afford it he chucks a tanty to get his own way. So it's just not worth me saying no anymore.
He came back through the house and out to the sunroom, where he spent the rest of the day. He spent Fathers Day alone. Didn't even come in and spend it with his son. Just totally unsettled him then pissed off and ignored him for the day. I'd say I couldn't believe it, but really I could. He's so predictable these days. It's always the same crap that comes out of his mouth when he's yelling at me and always the same outcome. It's like he picks a fight with me to justify him spending all day in the sunroom instead of with me and the kids.
He says things like, "well I don't wana spend time with you cause your a bitch and you always treat me like shit" I treat him the way he treats me.
D's 1st Birthday
The party spread out over the whole weekend as bil and sil and 3 of their kids came to stay from Friday night till Sunday lunch time. A spent most of his time either in the sunroom or downstairs smoking pot. I was so gutted. It was his sons 1st bday for godess sake. His bil and sil were not impressed with his behaviour either. But I chose to ignore it and see it as his loss not mine. I made the most of my wkend and had a great time with the kids, my bil and sil and the awesome food and booze. The kids all had a blast and so did I.
Both nights A had a go at me though. Funny as he had encouraged me to buy alcohol seeing as I hadn't had a drink for 3 weeks. (I was waiting till I had something worth celebrating and good company to drink with) Friday night he had a go at me for asking him where bil and sil would be sleeping. Telling me I was only asking cause I was drunk and being a dick. When in reality I wasn't drunk had only had 2 drinks, and was asking as he was still in sunroom and that's where they were supposed to be sleeping for the weekend.
Saturday night, he made a comment bout his pool playing skills being crap cause he spends too much time on PS3 now. I agreed saying jokingly that yea he should spend less time on it before it meets the concrete. He went nuts yelling at me that I could get fucked and he'd burn my house down with me in it if I did that. Like wtf psycho. I ignored him for the rest of the weekend and went to bed without him both nights. Not that that's unusual anyway.
Both nights A had a go at me though. Funny as he had encouraged me to buy alcohol seeing as I hadn't had a drink for 3 weeks. (I was waiting till I had something worth celebrating and good company to drink with) Friday night he had a go at me for asking him where bil and sil would be sleeping. Telling me I was only asking cause I was drunk and being a dick. When in reality I wasn't drunk had only had 2 drinks, and was asking as he was still in sunroom and that's where they were supposed to be sleeping for the weekend.
Saturday night, he made a comment bout his pool playing skills being crap cause he spends too much time on PS3 now. I agreed saying jokingly that yea he should spend less time on it before it meets the concrete. He went nuts yelling at me that I could get fucked and he'd burn my house down with me in it if I did that. Like wtf psycho. I ignored him for the rest of the weekend and went to bed without him both nights. Not that that's unusual anyway.
The tresspass event
My besty and I had been chilling out at my place all day with the kids. It was a gorgeous day, we'd had a few gin and tonics, cooked a yummy roast for dinner for everyone and had the house spotless.
A came home in a crap mood moaning about something that had happened at course. I told him to just go have a sesh and chill out cause we were having a good day. He dissapeared into the sunroom, but 2 mins later he was swearing and yellng at me cause he couldn't find his scissors, and of course I must have moved them. Besty went over and asked him nicely to stop yelling and speaking like that infront of her kids and ours. I thought that would do the trick. I was wrong. He started yelling at her telling her to fuck of if she didn't like it, that this was his house and he'd do what ever he wanted.
I couldn't believe it. That was the final straw for me. This is not his house, it's our childrens house, and he has no right to speak like that to me, kids or no kids, so much worse with kids around though.
I gave Besty my phone so she could call the cops, but they wanted to talk to me as my names on tenancy. I told them to come and get him. He blamed it all on me and Besty for being drunk.
To this day he still takes no responsibility what so ever. He even goes as far to say that the cops told him they would have arrested me and her if it was his house lmfao. And that Bestys man told him it was mine and Bestys fault for being too wasted. What a joke, yea we were so drunk NOT. I was serving up dinner for all the kids when he came home and starting yelling and swearing at me.
I told them to trespass him as I was just so over his bullshit. I probably wouldn't have done that if I hadn't had a drink though. But I was so upset and horrified with his behaviour. Normally when someone else tells him or asks him to cut it out he does. That was the 1st time he reacted like that.
Foolishly I asked him back the next day and apologised for my part in it all.
Besty won't come over anymore as she doesn't want to ever see A again, and certainly doesn't want her kids around him. Which I totally respect her for. She has also told me that she doesn't want to hear about any of mine and A's crap, fights etc. So that's left me very lonely. I havn't actually seen her since then which was back at the beginning of August 2010. She didn't even come to Mr 1's 1st bday. Which made me so so sad. But I understand why. A blames me and her for it all, and I know he wouldn't be nice to her if she came over or called. We communicate on fb now. But I miss her so much. We used to see each other almost every day and talk on the phone all the time. My hearts so lonley without her and her daughters. I even miss her partner J, he's such a lovely guy, an awesome friend to me and a fantastic dad. I was hoping some of him would rub off onto A, but no such luck.
A came home in a crap mood moaning about something that had happened at course. I told him to just go have a sesh and chill out cause we were having a good day. He dissapeared into the sunroom, but 2 mins later he was swearing and yellng at me cause he couldn't find his scissors, and of course I must have moved them. Besty went over and asked him nicely to stop yelling and speaking like that infront of her kids and ours. I thought that would do the trick. I was wrong. He started yelling at her telling her to fuck of if she didn't like it, that this was his house and he'd do what ever he wanted.
I couldn't believe it. That was the final straw for me. This is not his house, it's our childrens house, and he has no right to speak like that to me, kids or no kids, so much worse with kids around though.
I gave Besty my phone so she could call the cops, but they wanted to talk to me as my names on tenancy. I told them to come and get him. He blamed it all on me and Besty for being drunk.
To this day he still takes no responsibility what so ever. He even goes as far to say that the cops told him they would have arrested me and her if it was his house lmfao. And that Bestys man told him it was mine and Bestys fault for being too wasted. What a joke, yea we were so drunk NOT. I was serving up dinner for all the kids when he came home and starting yelling and swearing at me.
I told them to trespass him as I was just so over his bullshit. I probably wouldn't have done that if I hadn't had a drink though. But I was so upset and horrified with his behaviour. Normally when someone else tells him or asks him to cut it out he does. That was the 1st time he reacted like that.
Foolishly I asked him back the next day and apologised for my part in it all.
Besty won't come over anymore as she doesn't want to ever see A again, and certainly doesn't want her kids around him. Which I totally respect her for. She has also told me that she doesn't want to hear about any of mine and A's crap, fights etc. So that's left me very lonely. I havn't actually seen her since then which was back at the beginning of August 2010. She didn't even come to Mr 1's 1st bday. Which made me so so sad. But I understand why. A blames me and her for it all, and I know he wouldn't be nice to her if she came over or called. We communicate on fb now. But I miss her so much. We used to see each other almost every day and talk on the phone all the time. My hearts so lonley without her and her daughters. I even miss her partner J, he's such a lovely guy, an awesome friend to me and a fantastic dad. I was hoping some of him would rub off onto A, but no such luck.
A lil bit of background to get everyone up to speed.
This will probably be a bit longer than most intros, but it's really just so that anyone reading this knows what I'm on about. I'll be blogging about the present the past plays a big role in that still so think I should sum it up as best I can here.
And any lil flash back moments that appear in my blogs I'll put in bracketed asterics.
This all started when I was 23yo and had been seperated from my eldest boys dad for 6 months. We broke up on good terms as we had fallen out of love and things were just getting too toxic between us. We agreed he would have Mr 8 every 2nd weekend and for half the holidays with Xmas organised to accomodate both of us.
I met A 6 months after S and myself seperated. I thought he was just fantastic. But I knew in my heart that something wasn't right. Looking back now I see how intense he was. How there were double standards even then. Him trying to distance me from Mr 8's dad and my friends.
A went back and forth between me and his x for the first year and the result of him cheating on me ( I caught him out ) was that he had a daughter Miss 2 with his x B. I was not impressed but welcomed her into my home as how she came about is not her fault. A fought for almost 2 years in court just to get a visitation order finalised. B had said some horrible things about trying to kill Miss 2 whil she was preggy with her. She was very neglectful of Miss 2 as well. The end result was that Miss 2 comes to stay once a month for a weekend and half the school holidays.
Mr 8 takes the bus to his dads every 2nd weekend and for half the holidays also. S is very accomodating when I want to change weekends for what ever reason, as I am of him as well. We always put Bastys wants and needs 1st.
B on the other hand has done and continues to do everything she possibly can to make A seeing Miss 2 hard.
A left me for another girl that I had welcomed into my home with her 2yo son when B was preggy with Miss M. I was absolutely heart broken. I moved out of the suburb but when he came back to me, I stupidly took him back. We moved back into Kura and things were ok for a while as he was working so hard to make things up to me. He had started to earn back some of my trust when it all went down hill again. He was so abusive verbally. Always exploding over nothing. Throwing me around and trashing the house, throwing pot plants all over the floor, hiffing furniture like coffee tables at me, harpooning pool cues at me. Then I found out I was preggy. Foolishly I had wanted to get preggy for so long. But thought it would never happen due to lady problems I had. I had hoped he would change once I was pregnant. But I was foolish in thinking that. He was just as bad.
I remember a particualr time when I was on all 4s cleaning up dirt and pebbles and plant off the lounge floor after he had thrown 3 pot plants at me and missed. I should have left then.
He would down me and my friends saying I was lazy, fat, useless, worthless, a cunt, that I had no friends that they were useless and never did anything for me. Despite the fact that they had done more for both of us than any of his friends ever had.
Our son Mr 1 was born at the end of 09 and not long after we had to move to Tga due to A almost getting in a fight with local gang members and them marking our house. It was all his fault as far as I'm concerned. If he had just walked away it wouldn't have happened. But as always he had t obe the man. But when it came down to it, he didn't go out our gate and fight them he called the cops instead and then told me we had to move.
I didn't want to move, but didn't know what else to do. I decided that so long as we were moving to Tga where my besty of 20 years lived I'd be ok.
So we moved and stayed with A's parents 1st, well his dad my fil and his step mum 'smum'. That didn't last long as A and fil had a big fight and smum couldn't handle the way A talked to me and treated me. So we stayed with my besty for a few weeks till I found this place.
For a while things were great. I account this to how much weight I'd lost. I'd spend a week in hospital with gall stone and liver problems and had to stick to a very strict diet once I was home. That combined with walking Basty to and from school each day, which was an hour and half round trip, helped the weight drop off. But once we were settled in and A was back to being a meany again, I was comfort eating again, and drinking more than I should have been. I had soon put all the weight back on and some extra.
A started a course which was great as it meant he was out of the hosue 4 days a week. But they always ended up having days off for 1 reason or another. He would always pick fights with me if I'd had a drink. Or if I had my besty over. I was so embarrased. And it just kept getting worse.
Despite the fact that I'd always supported him through all his custody battles, treated his daughter like my own. Moved for him when he wanted to. Put up with his x's bullshit which cost us a lot of money over the 2 years. Put up with his looser mates and his looser lazy attitude.
I'm now at breaking point so thought I'd get it all out in here as I have noone left to talk to now.
And any lil flash back moments that appear in my blogs I'll put in bracketed asterics.
This all started when I was 23yo and had been seperated from my eldest boys dad for 6 months. We broke up on good terms as we had fallen out of love and things were just getting too toxic between us. We agreed he would have Mr 8 every 2nd weekend and for half the holidays with Xmas organised to accomodate both of us.
I met A 6 months after S and myself seperated. I thought he was just fantastic. But I knew in my heart that something wasn't right. Looking back now I see how intense he was. How there were double standards even then. Him trying to distance me from Mr 8's dad and my friends.
A went back and forth between me and his x for the first year and the result of him cheating on me ( I caught him out ) was that he had a daughter Miss 2 with his x B. I was not impressed but welcomed her into my home as how she came about is not her fault. A fought for almost 2 years in court just to get a visitation order finalised. B had said some horrible things about trying to kill Miss 2 whil she was preggy with her. She was very neglectful of Miss 2 as well. The end result was that Miss 2 comes to stay once a month for a weekend and half the school holidays.
Mr 8 takes the bus to his dads every 2nd weekend and for half the holidays also. S is very accomodating when I want to change weekends for what ever reason, as I am of him as well. We always put Bastys wants and needs 1st.
B on the other hand has done and continues to do everything she possibly can to make A seeing Miss 2 hard.
A left me for another girl that I had welcomed into my home with her 2yo son when B was preggy with Miss M. I was absolutely heart broken. I moved out of the suburb but when he came back to me, I stupidly took him back. We moved back into Kura and things were ok for a while as he was working so hard to make things up to me. He had started to earn back some of my trust when it all went down hill again. He was so abusive verbally. Always exploding over nothing. Throwing me around and trashing the house, throwing pot plants all over the floor, hiffing furniture like coffee tables at me, harpooning pool cues at me. Then I found out I was preggy. Foolishly I had wanted to get preggy for so long. But thought it would never happen due to lady problems I had. I had hoped he would change once I was pregnant. But I was foolish in thinking that. He was just as bad.
I remember a particualr time when I was on all 4s cleaning up dirt and pebbles and plant off the lounge floor after he had thrown 3 pot plants at me and missed. I should have left then.
He would down me and my friends saying I was lazy, fat, useless, worthless, a cunt, that I had no friends that they were useless and never did anything for me. Despite the fact that they had done more for both of us than any of his friends ever had.
Our son Mr 1 was born at the end of 09 and not long after we had to move to Tga due to A almost getting in a fight with local gang members and them marking our house. It was all his fault as far as I'm concerned. If he had just walked away it wouldn't have happened. But as always he had t obe the man. But when it came down to it, he didn't go out our gate and fight them he called the cops instead and then told me we had to move.
I didn't want to move, but didn't know what else to do. I decided that so long as we were moving to Tga where my besty of 20 years lived I'd be ok.
So we moved and stayed with A's parents 1st, well his dad my fil and his step mum 'smum'. That didn't last long as A and fil had a big fight and smum couldn't handle the way A talked to me and treated me. So we stayed with my besty for a few weeks till I found this place.
For a while things were great. I account this to how much weight I'd lost. I'd spend a week in hospital with gall stone and liver problems and had to stick to a very strict diet once I was home. That combined with walking Basty to and from school each day, which was an hour and half round trip, helped the weight drop off. But once we were settled in and A was back to being a meany again, I was comfort eating again, and drinking more than I should have been. I had soon put all the weight back on and some extra.
A started a course which was great as it meant he was out of the hosue 4 days a week. But they always ended up having days off for 1 reason or another. He would always pick fights with me if I'd had a drink. Or if I had my besty over. I was so embarrased. And it just kept getting worse.
Despite the fact that I'd always supported him through all his custody battles, treated his daughter like my own. Moved for him when he wanted to. Put up with his x's bullshit which cost us a lot of money over the 2 years. Put up with his looser mates and his looser lazy attitude.
I'm now at breaking point so thought I'd get it all out in here as I have noone left to talk to now.
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